Starlight in Shadows
by Shadewolf7
Summary: ON HOLD/being rewritten
1. Chapter 1

_D. Gray Man is not mine. I think it's probably better off in the hands of its creators..._

_Starlight in Shadows_

Kanda stood stunned, blood-spatter across his face and the stone wall behind him, Mugen slipping from his limp fingers to clatter against cobblestone.

_Allen._

The younger boy swayed a bit, the back of his coat torn and red-streaked metal gleaming lewdly in the light. The spike-arm withdrew with a wet sucking noise as the attacking Akuma stumbled back, his chest laid open from a swipe of Allen Walker's claw, though his Innocence had returned to its dormant state.

White hair shifted softly as the boy turned his head to look at the older Exorcist, silvery-blue eyes dimming towards gray. He coughed once, trying to form words, but only blood poured from his lips, and he fell.

Kanda jerked out of his immobility and lunged to catch the boy, sliding to his knees as he eased the cursed Exorcist back against his own chest, franticly trying to stem the bleeding even though he knew it was futile.

The heartbeat pressed beneath his hands fluttered weakly, hot wetness soaking though his clothing. Kanda stared down at the shaggy mop of white hair, cringing at the thick, labored sound of the bean sprout's breathing.

_Why?_

But he knew why. He'd berated and insulted the boy for it more times than he cared to count. Kanda choked back a sob as the heartbeat stuttered, harsh breath faltering as more blood trailed down the boy's chin.

Why? Because that's what Allen Walker did.

Saved souls.

_xxxx_

_This is my first D.Gray Man fic. It's possible that it will remain a oneshot, but if enough people show interest, I will add more. Unlike another fic that I said something similar for, this one I actually do have some other things in mind that I intend to add to it._


	2. Chapter 2

_xxxx_

It didn't hurt. He'd been braced for pain, when he'd gotten between the human-shaped Akuma and Kanda, but all he felt was a sense of impact. A trace of confusion, disbelief—but no pain. Why didn't it hurt?

He was only dimly aware of the fact that his left arm had deactivated itself and more aware of a strange pulling sensation and a slurpy, sucking sound as the Akuma fell backwards, its human chest all but torn in half with the distinctive marks of his own weapon-arm.

He felt tired and strangely detached from the situation, only his worry about the older Exorcist keeping him from giving in to the desire to collapse right away. It was hard, but he managed to turn his head and see wide, stunned dark eyes, droplets of blood splashed across a pale face. There were no visible injuries, but the blood… he opened his mouth to ask and found all he could do was cough weakly, his vision fuzzing as his legs gave out.

Someone caught him, and he opened his eyes to see Kanda, though he barely felt the swordsman's hands pressing against his chest.

It was cold, and he was dizzy… were those tears? Kanda… Kanda was crying?

He tilted his head, just a little, wanting to ask why, but he only tasted blood in his mouth. And he was so tired…

He didn't notice when his eyes slipped closed and darkness overcame him.

_xxxx_

Kanda didn't know how long he sat there, Allen's back pressed against his chest while both hands pressed against the gaping wound in the moyashi's torso, feeling the faint, halting beat beneath his fingers. But Allen, somehow, was still alive when the Finders found them.

That was the most that could be said for the boy. His bleeding had slowed, but far from stopped, and it wouldn't be long before he had no more blood to lose. Already Kanda was nearly drenched in the vicious red fluid, making it impossible to tell where or if he'd been injured himself, and he was in too much emotional shock to care.

He remained in a daze the entire way back to headquarters, mechanically going through his usual motions, snippets of thought tumbling about inside his skull with no particular rhyme or reason.

Most of them centered around a dying boy who hadn't known that Kanda would have been fine, even had that Akuma's strike been true.

He found himself at the infirmary, staring in at a small body hooked up to more machines than he'd ever seen before, some of which he was relatively sure were Komui's more serious prototypes.

That face was nearly as pale as the hair that shrouded it, and a clear mask was placed over the boy's mouth and nose, probably to help him breathe.

It couldn't be helping much, though, if the moyashi's shallow gasps were to be believed.

Kanda stood there, unaware of the passing time, listening to each pained breath and the slow, unsteady beep of a machine in the background.

He glanced down, almost distantly noticing the traces of red under and around his fingernails. Something in his mind snapped and suddenly all he could see was the moyashi's blood pouring over his hands.

Kanda bolted.

_xxxx_

He couldn't get the image of Allen Walker out of his head, the image of his broken and bleeding body as he collapsed.

It had happened so fast…

_This is… my fault._

Moyashi wouldn't have been so reckless if he'd known… if he'd known Kanda's secret. If he'd known Kanda was in no real danger, he wouldn't have…

_I should have told him. I knew he would do something like this._

Even Komui had stopped joking.

_How am I going to tell Lavi?_

Kanda had never thought anything quite like that before. He'd never cared enough to worry about how someone would take being told the truth—he merely said it. But Lavi was due back from a mission and he and Allen were friends, and Allen…

_I need to stop thinking about this. I need to do something._

The sarcastic part of his mind pointed out that there was precious little he could reliably do while in this state. He told it to shut up and grabbed Mugen to head for the training room.

_xxxx_

Lavi was rather surprised when he returned to the tower—no one met him at the boats. The Finder had remained in the last village to spend a few days with his family, so getting off the boat completely alone was somewhat unnerving.

Normally, at least another Finder would meet someone who arrived on schedule, if not friends. Something was wrong.

He found himself hoping it was just backlash from another 'Komurin incident'.

The halls were oddly silent as well. Not that there were usually people in them, mind, but explosions from the lab and the normal sounds of people working usually filtered out into the central core of the tower, at least to some extent.

Lavi shifted his pack uneasily as he made his way towards the mess hall, deciding food was the first order, as there had been no Innocence to recover. In doing so, he had to pass the training room.

Kanda had Mugen out and was systematically destroying dummies and portions of the walls.

"Oi! Yu-chan!" Lavi was greatly relieved to see a familiar face, even if it was one that would ordinarily snap at him the instant he opened his mouth. Though he had to admit, sometimes he really _did_ ask for it. "How's it going?"

Lavi blinked in confusion when, instead of threatening with the unsheathed sword, the swordsman froze.

The white glow died away from Mugen's edge and Kanda moved to sheath the blade, missing the first time and having to try again.

What the…? Kanda? Miss?

"Yu?" Lavi took a few hesitant steps closer and saw how badly Kanda was trembling. The fact he hadn't been yelled at yet was testament enough that something was wrong, but to see the usually icy-cold Exorcist so visibly shaken was deeply unsettling. "What's wrong?"

Kanda didn't look at him. "Allen and I… had a mission. Allen was… Allen is…" he couldn't bring himself to turn when he heard the one-eyed redhead suck in a breath. And it wasn't certain, not yet. "I—he—"

Lavi felt cold dread coiling around his heart and it was suddenly hard to breathe. "He's not… dead?"

Kanda shook his head, black ponytail waving softly, "Iie, but… it's bad."

For _Kanda_ to be so out of sorts, it had to be worse than just 'bad'. "How bad?"

Black-clad shoulders stiffened slightly, only the silver trim's flickering in the light giving away the sudden tensing.

"Damnit, Kanda! _How bad?_"

"Bad."

Kanda walked away, leaving Lavi to decide what that meant on his own.

_xxxx_

_So… comments? Suggestions? I'm not murdering anyone's character, am I? … And the next chapter will take a while, so please don't hold your breaths. I've got another—several others, actually—in the works. I only started this one because the mood I was in would not permit me to work on my Naruto story._


	3. Chapter 3

_Ghost: Yes, I'm continuing. However, my chapters will be short._

_xxxx_

"Is he… OK?" Lavi asked, glancing sideways at Komui.

The usually obsessively cheerful man didn't look very cheerful. He sighed, shaking his head. "No. No, he's not."

As if to accentuate that point, the beeping machine stuttered and wailed.

_xxxx_

It was aware that its wielder was in trouble. This had happened before, when it had felt great pressure and been forced to revert to its oldest nature—dust. Before it had been found and forged, it had merely drifted, waiting and helping those it deemed worthy.

Parts of it had drifted free, and it knew them… but they did not _know_ as it did. They were less exacting, less aware. They knew only the hunt and the call of their wielders. They did not know how to care for them, did not know—as it did—when their chosen were in trouble.

It knew. And it knew how to help. Its chosen's curse would not help this time—there was no damage to the eye that bore it. But its chosen was not healing as he should. So it decided to help—and renewed its call to the drifting dust of the parts of it that had been shattered, bringing them home to join it so that it could save its chosen.

_xxxx_

Lavi jerked back and Komui snapped something in Chinese when Allen's left arm activated of its own accord before glowing mist shrouded Allen's body. They couldn't see what was happening within that mist, but the electronic wail settled back into beeping, steadier than before, and the mist dispersed throughout the room.

"What the hell was that?" Lavi asked, sounding oddly calm.

Komui didn't have an answer, but moved forward to check his patient over.

Finally he stood back, pulling bandages aside, "Come look at this."

Lavi made his way over somewhat warily—and blinked.

He had expected a still-bloody gap where the wound refused to close, but what he saw… was glowing silver-green, something between the metallic glint of Allen's weapon and the steady shine of raw Innocence.

"What the…?"

Allen broke into a coughing fit, rolling onto his side, half-curling as though in pain while blood trickled from between his lips.

"Allen!" Komui and Lavi moved to restrain him, but his Innocence flared and the mist reformed between Allen and the other two, and they hesitated, uncertain of what to do.

Slowly, the young Exorcist's coughing abated and, remarkably, his breathing sounded clear as he began to relax, slumping against the red-spattered pillow. The mist dispersed again.

"Allen?" Komui took a step forward, motioning for Lavi to stay back.

When nothing happened, he chanced another step, then another. Komui breathed a silent sigh of relief when he reached the bedside with no interference and carefully began to check over his charge. After several minutes, he stepped back, shaking his head in bemusement.

Lavi noticed the gesture, but with the Supervisor's back to him, couldn't read the expression. "Komui?"

"As far as I can tell, he's just sleeping," Komui couldn't keep the puzzlement out of his voice. He shook himself and turned to the red-headed Junior Bookman. "Well, anyway, maybe you should go talk to Kanda. He's been taking this whole thing rather hard…"

Kanda? Initially the idea of the icy swordsman taking anything 'rather hard' seemed strange, then Lavi remembered the trembling near-wreck he'd encountered in the training room.

"Right," he agreed, "I'll just… go look for Yu."

_xxxx_

Kanda returned to his room, dropping Mugen by the door and ignoring it when the sword tipped and clattered against cold stone. He let himself collapse against the wall, not able to get up the motivation to move to the bed, and stared at the lotus in the hourglass on the wooden table. Watched with detached interest as a fourth petal came loose and fell.

Why it fell, he did not know.

_xxxx_


	4. Chapter 4

_xxxx_

The first thing he noticed was the lack of hurt. That confused him for some reason, though he didn't know why. For some reason, it seemed as though he _should_ hurt. The second thing he noticed was the strange feeling spreading through his chest—cool warmth, as though water and sunlight had mixed.

He opened his eyes slowly, letting his eyes accustom themselves to the light before even trying to look around. He was safe here, he knew that. Neither his eye nor his arm pulsed with any kind of warning.

He paused at that thought, wondering at it. Why would arm or eye warn him of anything? He couldn't remember. He raised his left hand to his eye, touching rough red skin to a scarred eyelid. He pulled the hand back, eyeing it with distant interest, turning it to observe the back.

The glowing cross was familiar—but then, why shouldn't it be? It was his hand.

The green glow pulsed, brightening for a moment, and he felt something moving inside his mind, offering information and memory in cool, clinical terms.

Gray eyes blinked in brief confusion, then a small, relieved smile touched the boy's face. _My name is Allen Walker. I am an Exorcist. Mana gave me this eye to see Akuma. My Innocence… saved me._

He heard a sound at the door and turned his head, listening to the feeling in his head identifying the person. _:Komui:_

"Allen-kun!" The man gave a genuine smile of relief, his glasses glinting in the light, "You're awake! How are you feeling?"

He thought that over. "Strange…" It really was strange. Everything seemed a bit distant, colors more washed out than he thought they should be.

"Strange?" The scientist came closer, concerned. "Strange how? Are you in pain?"

Allen shook his head, smiling slightly. "No. I feel as though I _should_ be, but I'm not. It's strange, that's all."

Komui was silent for several moments, considering. "Allen-kun… do you remember what happened?"

Allen shook his head again.

Komui pushed his glasses up his nose, apparently deciding whether or not to be worried. "I see."

Allen tilted his head, feeling vaguely curious. "What did happen?"

"You and Kanda were on a mission together and ran into Akuma."

Allen froze as the presence in his mind made itself known again, prodding forth memories that had been blocked off by a haze in his mind that he hadn't even been aware of until it was forcibly dissipated by a flash of heat and cold. The sensation of water and sunlight morphed into fiery ice as the word 'Akuma' brought forth _:rage:_ not his own.

He gasped as the burning cold intensified, then shuddered. His arm pulsed briefly, light flashing from imbedded Innocence, and the strange sensations eased, cooled and warmed into something bearable—almost comforting.

"Allen!" Hands on his shoulders, pressing as though turn and restrain—

It took both shout and shake to make him realize he'd curled onto his side, clutching at his chest with a low keen resonating in his throat. But everything was calming, so he let himself go limp and be rolled onto his back, tolerated fingers prodding at his bandaged chest and wrapping about his wrist to check his pulse.

"What happened, Allen? Are you all right?"

Allen opened his eyes, weary blue-gray flicking towards wire-rimmed glass before slowly sliding shut. He couldn't work up the energy to answer and sank gratefully into the familiar haze of sleep.

_xxxx_

Kanda blinked when he heard a knock at the door, turning his head to regard the wood behind his back. The knocking wasn't very urgent, so he was tempted to ignore it until a vague thought brushed his mind.

_Allen wouldn't ignore someone at his door, no matter what._

Kanda stood, stretching muscles cramped by long hours sitting against cold stone and hard wood, then bending to pick up Mugen and place the blade on the table. "Come," he called to the unseen visitor.

The door cracked open almost hesitantly, and Kanda turned to raise an irritated eyebrow in its direction, waiting to see who it was before deciding what to say.

One jade eye poked around the edge of the door, peering into the room from beneath bright red bangs.

Kanda sighed. Bookman's apprentice was a… an ally, he supposed. An irritating ally, to be sure, but a good Exorcist and a good friend to Allen. Which meant he wouldn't be turned away at the door, despite Kanda's first inclination.

"Uh… Yu?"

Kanda's other eyebrow rose. Lavi, being _timid?_ Unheard of!

"Are you coming in or not?" the swordsman demanded, turning back to glare at the lotus.

He heard movement and the door clicking shut. "Yu… are you OK?" there was a slight pause, "I mean, I went to see Allen, and he looked _awful_, but something weird happened, and I think he's OK, now… and Komui said you weren't doing too well, so I thought…"

"I'm fine." Kanda's terse reply cut off the nervous rambling before Lavi's second sentence caught up to his mind and he spun, "Allen's all right?"

Lavi blinked his one eye, then nodded. "It was weird. One minute, he was _dying,_ I mean his heart stopped and everything, and the next… His Innocence did something and there was all this glowing mist, and suddenly he was fine. Well, not _fine_ fine, but his heart started back up and this weird silver-green glowing stuff patched up his chest and he coughed a bunch of blood out of his lungs and fell asleep."

Lavi was acting strange today, Kanda decided. Still, he supposed he was as well. This whole business with Moyashi was enough to upset anyone, especially those who knew the annoying white runt.

Kanda returned his attention to the redhead in time to catch the concern leveled in his direction.

"Are you _sure_ you're all right, Yu?" Lavi asked.

Kanda gave a slight nod, "I'm fine." This time, it sounded much more believable as the relief he felt at the cursed Exorcist's apparent recovery settled. Allen would be all right.

"So… what did happen?" Lavi sat on the bed without so much as a by-your-leave.

Kanda tossed a glare in the redhead's direction before going to lean against the opposite wall. "We ran into Akuma."

There was silence for a time as Lavi waited for him to elaborate.

"That's it?"

No answer.

"That's _it?_ You ran into Akuma and that's all you have to say? Geez, Yu, can you _be_ anymore vague?" Lavi paused and snorted, waving a hand. "Nevermind, of course you can. Now, really, what happened?"

All right, so the annoyance wouldn't let this go. Kanda suppressed a growl and glared, tempted to reach for Mugen just to be able to hold the comforting weight of steel in his hands. He refrained from actually doing so and closed his eyes instead.

"I do not wish to speak of it."

Lavi snorted, "Really? I never would have guessed."

Kanda cracked one eye open to examine his unwanted guest, wondering at the acid humor in that voice. It was unlike the Junior Bookman to be so… sardonic. But then, he didn't really know the other Exorcist well—he made a point of not growing too attached. The others always died in the end.

But Allen… he wasn't a friend. All right, so he _was—_but Kanda was not his friend in return. Or, that's what he told himself. But he couldn't deny the absolute horror he had felt when the smaller Exorcist had been struck, the confusion that, even with his chest laid open, the boy had only thought of Kanda's safety and not his own life.

He couldn't deny the guilt he still felt over the Moyashi's injury, the guilt that outweighed even the humiliated anger that he hadn't realized the 'man' was an Akuma. The guilt that Allen Walker had been injured, nearly unto death, defending him when he didn't need to be saved.

Not that he didn't try to—deny any and all of those things. But he knew the truth of them, even if he would never admit to any of them. And he knew that somehow, impossibly, the naive Exorcist had worked past his shields enough to win some kind of regard. Somehow, Allen's ideals touched something long left quietly dormant in the back of his soul and brought out a trace of the person he could have been, if not for _that person_ and his own lust for revenge.

He mentally snarled away the unwelcome thoughts and forced his attention back to the one-eyed redhead.

"Well?"

Kanda repressed a sigh. There was no getting out of it—he'd have to tell Lavi _something._ "Fine. He took a hit for me. The _baka_ thought he was saving my life." Irritation mixed with guilt. He'd _told_ Moyashi time and again—those gestures of camaraderie were completely lost on him. What would it take to get it through the runt's head?

Kanda completely failed to notice that the referance of 'the moyashi' had turned into a nickname in his head just as surely as he failed to notice that he'd begun to think of the smaller Exorcist by name as well.

_xxxx_

_OK, so that could have ended better, but I'm tired of working on this chapter. So, anything else will be relegated to the next. That aside, I will not be using Japanese terms except in Kanda's occasional 'slips', as he's the only native Japanese speaker I've yet identified in the Anime. It is, after all, set mainly in England… London, even. But I like to slip a few words—such as 'moyashi' and 'baka' that seem like things Kanda would make a habit of using—in. Most should be translatable from context, but 'moyashi' is 'beansprout' for anyone who's confused on that one. It's rather vague._


End file.
